This is the leash that I use to walk my dog. This particular leash allows me the leash to be limited to a few feet out; or extend out, giving the dog more options of where to walk). When it comes to the topic of marriage and divorce, this leash offer a helpful image for how we, as humanity, have approached this topic. In marriages that are not unstable, our imaginations have been captivated with limited responses: divorce, avoidance of marriage, or dealing with with the instability on your own.
Whereas, as we reflect on the word of God from 1 Corinthians 7, we encounter that Jesus’ imagination isn’t limited to divorce as the only option. Rather, through the Spirit of Jesus illuminating the Apostle Paul, in this writing to the church in Corinth, we encounter that Jesus' imagination for responding to an unstable marriage is far-reaching – father-reaching than the limited options our imaginations allow in such situations.
We live in a world where it’s common for marriages to only last so far. You either know of family and friends who have experienced divorce; or, you, yourself, have experienced divorce. And, you know the: sadness, grief, anger, frustration, confusion, guilt, loneliness, and the sorrowful relief – that accompanies it. As far back as Adam and Eve hiding from each other in the paradise of the Garden of Eden, until now – once humans separated from the perfection and wisdom of God, constant, healthy union in marriage – has been difficult. And that reality is still true in our day-and-age. Whether it’s the often-quoted statistic that an average of 50% of marriages end in divorce, with first-time marriages likely hitting a little lower than that average; and subsequent re-marriages likely hitting above that average. An internet search, will show that a second or third marriage, after divorce from a first marriage, gets statistically less and less likely to last. Beyond statistics, we anecdotally see this reality all around us: I’m still amazed at the amount of marriages that have ended in divorce, from classmates of mine, whom I had, while in Bible college.
Divorce has been one response to unstable marriages. So also has cohabitation, or avoidance of marriage been another response to the instability of marriage. Avoiding marriage, or cohabitation, which is living together in a pretend marriage situation, but without the backstop of commitment to keep it together – allowing one partner to walk out at any time, without much repercussion – compared to divorce, that, at least involves a legal and financial hurdle to end the relationship.
Another response to unstable marriages, has been to just put-up with: unfaithful, abusive, ungodly, or in-humane treatment. Feeling like you’re just stuck in your situation. Feeling like you don’t want to be a divorced person, but you also don’t want to continue as things are. Feeling like you’re alone.
Our imaginations have been captivated with limited responses to instability in marriage.
What we see from this brief survey, is that our imaginations have been captivated with limited responses to instability in marriage: divorce, avoidance of marriage, or dealing with with the instability on your own.
Good news that we encounter in God’s word in 1 Corinthians 7, is that Jesus' imagination for responding to unstable marriages is far-reaching – offering a more comprehensive and extensive perspective on how to respond to instability in marriage. Where we feel limited in how to respond to trouble in marriage, Jesus isn’t limited in how to meet you in the trouble. Jesus’ imagination for your situation is farther-reaching than; and more creative than you can figure out on your own. God’s word in 1 Corinthians 7, invites us to trust Jesus’ guidance in marital trouble. Trust Jesus’ grace amidst poor decisions we may have already made in, or out of marriage. Trust that we’re not alone to navigate marital trouble. Trust that Jesus isn’t limited by your situation.
I know of someone who has their grass cut by a company. On one occasion, I encountered that his person didn’t like how the grass was getting cut. And the next time that person’s grass was getting cut, it was by someone else. It appears that this person was unhappy with the relationship with the lawn-mowing company, and just ended the relationship right away, no other procedure needed.
Marriage is a covenant, not a contract.
A marriage relationship is not a contractual relationship, like we have with a company. A marriage is ultimately (and from what we encounter throughout the Bible), a covenant, not a contract. A contract is an agreement that can be voided if one party doesn’t hold up their end of the agreement. A covenant is an agreement that is meant to endure past a falt in holding up one end of the agreement. A contract is a fixed scale of percentage participation: 50% for one party; and 50% for the other party. A covenant is a vacillating scale of percentage of participation. In ideal times, it’s 50/50. In sickness it might be 70/30. In financially hard times, it might be 20/80. On a rough day, it might be 55/45. The point is: a business contract is limited in commitment; A marriage covenant is designed for give and take, by both the husband and wife. Marriage is not something designed to be ended like firing your grass cutting service.
Paul has been correcting the Corinthian followers of Jesus to remain married in a culture, that was spiritualizing celibacy, or, being unmarried. Go back and watch or listen to last week’s message for more on that context. It’s here, that Paul reiterates that married followers of Jesus are to remain married, and not seek an end to their marriage, “A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.” (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)
Paul supports this instruction by saying that is comes from Jesus’ teaching himself, “To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord).... (1 Corinthians 7:10)
If 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 were digitized, we could double-click on it and see an expanded explanation of Paul’s instruction. This instruction from Paul, here, is essentially sourced and footnoted for further reading in God’s word. First, this instruction points back to Jesus’ words in Matthew 5:31-32 (with a parallel saying in Luke 16:18), ““It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 5:31-32 [see also Luke 16:18])
And Matthew 19:3-8 (with a parallel incident in Mark 10:2-12), “Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:3-8 [see also Mark 10:2-12])
Jesus addresses the topic of divorce in each of these passages; and, in each of these passage, Jesus refers back to another footnoted, double-click passage from God’s word in Deuteronomy 24:1-4, “If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, and if after she leaves his house she becomes the wife of another man, and her second husband dislikes her and writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house, or if he dies, then her first husband, who divorced her, is not allowed to marry her again after she has been defiled. That would be detestable in the eyes of the Lord. Do not bring sin upon the land the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance.” (Deuteronomy 24:1-4)
To unpack the overlap of these passages, let’s first begin with Deuteronomy 24:1-4. In this passage, God’s law revealed to the Jewish people, says that a person may divorce someone, “If” something “indecent” is found in the other person. This term, “indecent” is a generalized term, without precise nuance. It’d kind of like our use of “junk.” Is it actual broken stuff? Or is it stuff we just don’t like anymore, but is perfectly usable. We can get a sense of the term “indecent” by looking one chapter back, in Deuteronomy 23:12-14, “Designate a place outside the camp where you can go to relieve yourself. 13 As part of your equipment have something to dig with, and when you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement. 14 For the Lord your God moves about in your camp to protect you and to deliver your enemies to you. Your camp must be holy, so that he will not see among you anything indecent and turn away from you.” (Deuteronomy 23:12-14)
The term “indecent” pertains to something off-putting, like someone seeing someone go to the bathroom. What exactly “indecent” or “off-putting” meant, with this term was debated. And two schools of thought emerged. The Rabbinic school of Shammai understood the term “indecent” to refer sexually indecent actions (adultery, sex outside of marriage, or any other sexual perversion outside of marriage to someone of the opposite gender). Whereas, the Rabbinic school of Hillel understood the tem “indecent” to refer to anything “indecent,” not just sexually, but in any area of life. Like, if a spouse ruined a dish of food, then that indecency was warrant for divorce.
We can see this debate trickle down to what we encountered in Matthew 19, a moment ago, where the Pharisees ask Jesus, ““Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” They’re looking for Jesus to take a side; and Jesus does more than take a side, he clarifies exactly what kind of indecency makes divorce permissible: adultery – sexual activity with someone who’s not your spouse of the opposite gender. This context to the Pharisee’s question clarifies Jesus’ explanation in Matthew 19, where the Pharisees say, “Why then… did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” Jesus replies, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” The false belief is that divorce is the only option. The false belief was that divorce was “commanded.” That it was the only option. It wasn’t commanded, but, it was permitted, as recourse, for victims of marriage unfaithfulness – for victims of adultery. The false belief is that divorce is the only option, when something doesn’t go right in a marriage. The true belief, from Jesus, is that divorce is the last, permissible option among other options, but, it’s not the only option. Because of hard hearts, because of hearts separated from God, divorce became distorted and acceptable for any and every reason – creating a worldview where anything wrong in a marriage is a deal-breaker, and worthy of divorce; creating a worldview with limited imagination of how to navigate differences and mistakes (big or little) in marriage. That’s not a marriage covenant. That’s a marriage contract.
Jesus’ response to the Pharisees doubles-back to the original permission for divorce, which was adultery, and giving a roadblock to make it more difficult to end. The scenario given in Deuteronomy 24 is interesting. At first, the scenario follows the husband. The husband discovers the wife has been indecent (technically, sexually active outside of the marriage), and he decides to divorce her. But if he does divorce her, that ends the marriage. The process of issuing a certificate of divorce, helped divorce to not be a rash decision; because once it was issued, the marriage was understood to end, and it would free the wife to remarry, as marriage was a social form of security for a woman at that time too.
The scenario follows the wife from here. She remarries, and if that man also divorces her or he dies, the woman is not allowed to remarry her first husband, there are a couple reasons this could be: 1) In cases of serial adultery (if the woman was an adulterer in multiple marriages), prohibition of the woman remarrying the first husband, could be protective to the man, from a woman who is habitually unfaithful in marriage. 2) But another reason could be the dowry payments that were involved in Jewish marriages. The prohibition of the woman remarrying the first husband, could also be protection for her from being financially exploited by the man. Remarriage in this way, could also be a slimy way to “be married” correctly, but have multiple partners – so a form of sexually activity with multiple women, through the format of “marriage” and “divorce.” The protection of people from selfish and sinful behavior is the focus of keeping divorce to a minimum. In all, the protection of people from selfish and sinful behavior is the focus of keeping divorce to a minimum, and only permissible in cases of adultery. God is trying to make it harder for people to ruin the abundant life he wants people to experience in marriage and in sexual union.
As a follower of Jesus, responding to instability in marriage is not limited to divorce. But divorce is an option for situations of adultery. What this all boils down to from Deuteronomy, and later, Jesus’ re-clarification, is that As a follower of Jesus, responding to instability in marriage is not limited to divorce. But divorce is an option for situations of adultery.
When we look back to 1 Corinthians 7, this takeaway from Deuteronomy and Jesus’ teaching in the gospel, explains Paul’s instruction to husbands and wives to remain married, even through rough moments. If separation does happen through hard-heartedness (for any reason other than adultery), leave room for Jesus to bring about reconciliation. That’s why remain unmarried (celibate). If adultery wasn’t involved, the marriage wasn’t torn. Be faithful to the sexual, marriage covenant on your end. Leave room for God to heal the fractured marriage, as only he can. But, if the separation is because of sexual immorality on the part of your spouse, then you are permitted to divorce for that reason. But know that it’s not a must. It’s not the only option available. Reconciliation may also be possible. Trust that Jesus isn’t limited by your situation.
Remain married. Remain unmarried (celibate). Or reconcile.
Note that the options are: Remain married, remain unmarried (celibate), or reconcile. These options may seem unimaginable from your limited perspective, but by the power of God, Jesus’ ways are not limited in your situation – if you’ll leave room to trust him with your situation.
Hybrid vehicles have become more normal on the road these days. Hybrid cars have both gasoline and eclectic engines. The driver can pick to run the gasoline engine over the electric or vice-versa. As sometimes, the gasoline engine isn’t ideal to use in certain situations. And sometimes the electric engine isn’t ideal to use in certain situations. And some models allow for both to work together at the same time. The relationship of the engines in a hybrid car depict a similar dynamic in a marriage between a Jesus follower and someone who doesn’t follow Jesus.
As the good news of Jesus carried past the God-fearing Jewish people, and into the non-Jewish population, and people who worshiped foreign gods and idols, like Greek and Roman cultures, it would not be surprising for a spouse in an existing marriage in those cultures, to turn to faith in Jesus. And as a result, a believer would not be married to an unbeliever in Jesus. It was a hybrid marriage.
Paul’s instructs these followers of Jesus to remain married to their unbelieving spouse, if their unbelieving spouse is willing to continue the marriage. The “out”, if you will, is on the unbelieving spouse, not the Jesus-following spouse. Paul gives a hybrid adaptation, of sorts, on what we just encountered about marriage and divorce from Deuteronomy and Jesus’ teachings. Paul is remaining faithful to Jesus perspective on marriage, that a marriage covenant stay in tact, no matter how it was begun, as long as sexual immorality isn’t tearing it. What we see is that the stability of the marriage commitment is still a God-given blessing – wherever it is established between a husband and wife. The difference, as we encounter in this passage, is that it’s continuance, is made empowered by God’s presence at work in the marriage. And with at least one spouse — connected to Jesus in the marriage, it provides Holy-Spirit empowerment to at least 50% of the marriage, with the Jesus-following spouse. That’s better than nothing. That’s not to condone a Jesus follower to purposely marry an unbeliever, as that would be unwise. But this situation and context is different – where this marriage likely began with two unbelievers, and one of them converted to following Jesus, after the marriage began.
Paul also points to the benefit for the children involved in such a marriage. That they are more likely to encounter and become captivated with Jesus, in such a situation, compared to if neither spouse was a follower of Jesus. It’s a better to have one witness, than have no witnesses in a family. Overall, Paul’s instruction is for the believing spouse to remain married; and trust that Jesus isn’t limited in your situation. Trust that Jesus isn’t limited by your situation.
While we’ve already covered how sexual immorality is the limited exemption for divorce, Paul’s instructions to believers married to unbelievers also allows for the believing spouse to be freed of the marriage, if the unbeliever wants out of the marriage. What we essentially encounter here is divorce by abandonment. The temptation here, could be to see any form of abandonment as cause for the end of a marriage. But the key dynamic here is the spiritual state of the abandoning spouse.
This situation prompts us to wonder how it might apply to an abuse situation. No matter how it’s viewed, that’s a tricky situation. An abuse situation could involve an unbelieving spouse, who is behaving sinfully, because they are not surrendered to God’s ways. Or, it could even be from a self-proclaimed Jesus follower, who is behaving in ungodly ways toward their spouse. While none of these scenarios are ideal. The wisdom that Jesus gives us in such circumstances is what we encounter in Matthew 18:15-17, “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.“ (Matthew 18:15-17)
Jesus’ words instructs us to address the sinful, or abusive behavior. And if it’s not heeded or stopped, take it to other followers of Jesus to come alongside you. And if the behavior is still not stopped or repented of,it can be brought to the broader church community, to have more people in your corner. And if the behavior still doesn’t stop, then that person is treated as an unbeliever. Ultimately, no person can make a person change. But, someone being abused can remove themself from an abusive situation, if able. They are not obligated to be sinned against. That is not Jesus’ desire. In the case of a person in an abusive marriage, as best I can tell from the process Jesus gives in Matthew 18 – and what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7 – when a person will not respond to repentance, or change, from habitual abuse, then separation is sorrowfully permissible. Because, even in the case of a “so-called” believer, their behavior is like that of an unbeliever. But catch that this process of separation is not something you have to do alone. It’s actually wise to not do it alone; and allow caring brothers and sisters help you discern how to navigate such a sticky situation. In such a situation, know that you’re not alone. You have Jesus, God’s Spirit with you; and you have brothers and sisters in Christ alongside you to navigate the situation too. Trust that Jesus isn’t limited by your situation. He’s always with you, and he’s got a family of people alongside you. You’re only option isn’t to feel stuck or alone in such a situation.
It’s true that the best time to invest for your future is right now. While the most ideal time to invest is as early as you can. But the next best time is as soon as you can. Investing where and how you can right now. In 1 Corinthians 7:17-24, Paul essentially uses the examples of first-century Jewish circumcision and Roman slavery as examples of people investing in Jesus where they find themself. While there is a lot of other directions we could go for these topics, the short of it is that Jewish followers of Jesus, living in a non-Jewish culture, like Corinth, would have desired to look like an uncircumcised Corinthian – to fit in. But Paul’s point is that circumcision or uncircumcision isn’t the most important thing. Being a child of God and a citizen of his Kingdom is what’s most important and life-giving. Similarly, enslaved followers of Jesus, living amidst unenslaved followers of Jesus, would have desired to be free – to be like their freed brothers and sisters. But Paul’s point is that slavery or freedom on earth is not of ultimate importance. It’s better to be free – to be sure; and that’s why Paul says to take your freedom, if you can get it. But, it’s not the most important thing to seek after. Seeing the fuller freedom from sin and death that comes as a child of God and a citizen of God’s kingdom, that’s what’s more life-giving.
It’s this perspective that allows Paul to instruct people to remain as they are, whether wishing your body fit in (circumcision), or wishing you were free (slavery), or wishing you weren’t married or could get out of marriage – that one change isn’t your only option. Trust that Jesus isn’t limited by your situation. Rather, trust that Jesus isn’t limited in your situation. Jesus isn’t limited by your circumcision or lack of circumcision. Jesus isn’t limited by your slavery. And, Jesus isn’t limited by your unstable marriage: Divorce. Mistaken divorce. Adultery. Sexual immorality. Marriage to an unbeliever. Or abusive situation. Whatever your situation, Jesus isn’t limited in how he can be with you through it. Jesus isn’t limited in trying to bring transformation to it.
Entrust your life to Jesus, in faith, under the water of baptism.
Today, if you’re not a follower of Jesus, how is Jesus’ Spirit calling you to trust him with your life’s situation? How can you take a step of faith to trust that Jesus isn’t limited in your situation. How can you take a step of faith to entrust your life to Jesus, in faith, under the water of baptism – becoming united to the extensive life of God. Please find me or another leader here, or a trust follower of Jesus, whom you know, to help you discern taking that step of faith.
Trust that Jesus isn’t limited by your situation.
If you’re already a follower of Jesus, what situation do you find yourself in, that Jesus’ Spirit is calling you to trust him? Is your marriage unstable? Trust that Jesus isn’t limited in your situation to help you be humble; or repent of selfish behavior; or stick it out – to remain married – to remain faithful. Have you already been divorced? Trust that Jesus isn’t limited in your situation to forgive you; to help you remain celibate; to reconcile, where reconciliation is possible. Are you divorced and remarried already? Trust that Jesus isn’t limited in your situation to forgive; to help you remain faithful in this marriage; to make this marriage an example to the world of God’s faithfulness to us. Are you married to an unbeliever? Trust that Jesus isn’t limited in your situation to be with you, when you feel alone; to be a faithful witness of Jesus to your spouse; to transform your spouse to believe also. Are you in an abusive situation? Trust that Jesus isn’t limited in your situation to be with you; to surround with with others; to help you navigate messy situation; to bring healing; to bring relief.
Trust that Jesus isn’t limited by your situation.